Saturday, November 7, 2009

Heavy On My Heart

I’m frustrated…this is the third time I’m writing this as I’ve somehow erased the entire note again!! Am I learning patience or what!

My frustration goes deeper than computer errors, deeper than my human error (can’t blame the computer I’ve been told!) My heart aches with frustration and I hope after you read below that yours does too.

I briefly must tell you that I wont take the time to romance you with details of the trip. i.e.: How beautiful parts of it were, how I enjoyed the team I went with, or anything else for that matter. I wont take the time to express myself with elaborate words. I feel convicted to be frank, honest, truthful, unfiltered if you will.

You see, last June I went on a missions trip to Honduras. We were to work with Signs of Love ministries. Before the trip, during the trip, and even after the trip I wondered exactly why God allowed me to go. I couldn’t exactly put my finger on it. I wasn’t that useful. I didn’t speak Spanish nor did I have much experience with sign language. In fact, I get car sick and since we drove a lot there were times I wondered if I was even cut out for being there! But I’ve used a song titled “Use Me Here” as an anthem for about 12 years now so when Honduras presented itself, I was game.

Tonight, a few months later (the eve of my husbands birthday actually ) as I was driving home from the gym I started to think about our Pastor going to Africa. I think I have this healthy jealousy about it, as I wish I was going! I thought of my own experience 6 years ago, the people, certain landscapes, the hospitality and even the hardship behind every tired smile. Those memories must be universal as my mind wandered to Honduras.
I started to weep because God reminded me that His heart aches for the Deaf. This isn’t an official statistic but every deaf Honduran Robin with Signs of Love has come across has either been sexually or physically abused. Every single one of them. Repeat. Every one of them…abused.

They have no voice! The “least of these” have been taken advantage of. No one hears their cries for help and not many are even willing to take the time to “listen”. They are victims because they were born deaf. They are outcasts and seen as an opportunity to be used, battered, mistreated and many are enslaved to their homes.

I don’t know if I intend to offend you or not…but here I go. I’m frustrated because of the circumstances they endure. I’m frustrated because I see us Americans, myself included, make some of the same selfish decisions. This doesn’t excuse the Honduran mentality regarding the deaf but we weren’t born into poverty, we have been given so many opportunities in this life and we are selfish people and we waste away so much of God’s giftings to us. Above all, I’m crying for the deaf in Honduras. My heart wonders if when God pressed this so deeply against my chest if a child was being raped that moment. Was I crying with them? For them? Does he/she have any tears left in what already feels like a hopeless life?

Oh, how my heart aches! But it also weeps for joy because Robin and so many other people use their gifts to comfort and protect “the least of these”. Thank you Lord for not giving up on us. And now, as I type this (again) I wonder why God waited until now for my tears to become real? Why I desire to hold someone so close that I cannot effectively communicate with?

All I can do is take comfort in Isasiah 43 (please take the time to read it, message version preferably) and ask my Maker for wisdom. I thought I may plant a seed of love in the life of the Honduran people but I’ve been terrible wrong, they’ve planted one in mine.

Use Me Here
Where I am
I’m not going to pray anymore
That you’ll change your plans
Despite my fear
I place my life in your hands
The future can’t wait
Tomorrow might be too late
Jesus, use me here.

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